Pariah

In a caste system, the lowest class are often regarded as social outcasts. People will often avoid contact or communication, and sometimes even restrain from even going near them. Anyone who sympathizes, befriends, or seen socializing with them may cause their popularity to drop, or even become outcasts themselves. The general dislike - maybe even hate - stems from fear, and generally result to rejection.

Having lost my home, the very one I've built with my own blood, sweat and tears, I've made myself a vagabond of sorts. And vagabonds, in a land where people want to maintain their high social status, deserve persecution. Or at least considered an untouchable, a pollutant, a stink in the population.

I've been an outcast my entire life. It's nothing new. I've been portrayed the worst possible scenarios you could ever think of. So it doesn't surprise me to find myself in the very same situation I've been in, time and time again…

No, No, No

We are so afraid to say “no.” And we’re no better for it.

Because we are so eager to please and so scared of scathing opinions, we tend to say “yes” for convenience. Maybe even cornered to saying “yes” to things we don’t even want to do. Or shouldn’t do.

For the longest time, I’ve put my feelings aside and said yes too many times. Yes, I will do what I was told. Yes, I will suck it up because it would be counter productive to just bitch about it. Yes, I will take it all in and make the best of it.

But I was stupid, didn’t know nothing, and was lying to myself.

I had overlooked that I should say no. I had overlooked my voice. I had overlooked that I deserved better.

Sometimes, you end up losing respect for yourself in the hopes that others respect you, too. And for sure, for a time ... I had lost valuing my own input. Apparently, with what’s going on now, it wasn’t for shit. It turns out, what I had to say meant something. So much so that I don’t have to stay in a place where my voice isn’t heard, because I make sense. So much sense. And not many people value their own sense enough, which doesn’t always translate when we are so used - or abused - to just saying “yes.”

So I got to thinking. How much of our own voice gets out there in the world? Where can you air your opinions without it being taken against you? In a world where awful people tear you down because you say “no,” I couldn’t help but wonder…

will you ever feel safe saying it again?

Cardiac Dysrhythmia

Apparently, it’s dangerous when your heart skips a beat.

I had spent my early Monday night getting my heart checked. At first I had come in to have my blood pressure reviewed - suffice to say: my life has become so stressful. But then the results showed a different problem … my heart … as if my life hasn’t been stressful enough.

I’ve been told that my heart is experiencing some sort of hiccups, showing an irregularity in its rhythms. So I went in and got what they call a “2D Echo.”

To discuss the details of my condition is far beyond my comprehension. All I know is what’s written down as the reason why I needed one. Dysrhythmic Heart Disease. As it turns out, it’s cause for alarm when your heart skips a beat. Or beats too much. When something doesn’t follow the normal operation of something so important, like the heart, apparently it’s worth the extra time reviewing it.

How many times do we gloss over something so important? How often do we let go of something that goes deviant from time to time and left unchecked? Did you ever end up having some sort of failure because of it?

I may not be as experienced as others might be. And I’m just learning this as I go along. But if it’s right to be alarmed from a small thing, then how different is it in the other aspects of life that are just as important? How different is it, really?

When you spend your life ignoring the signs, you end up with a failure. Don’t ever let anything fail. If you can preempt something from happening, do everything you can to prevent an eventual undesirable result. Because at the end, if you let it happen, it’s hard to bounce back from it. Or you might not be able to bounce back from it at all.

At least for my case,

maybe…just, maybe…

there might hope.

Oxymorons

Feelingless. Perhaps it’s my invented adjective for not feeling anything. Or maybe it’s my made up word for feeling so much lower than normal. It means so much, but yet, it’s such a contradiction. How can you feel, when you’re not feeling anything at all?
In light of recent circumstances, some have come up to me and have commended me for my act of bravery. Some wish they had done it earlier. Some give encouraging messages. Some have sided with me and joined stand against the ominous oppression we’ve all been under. There’s never been such a widespread support by so many well respected figures by a decision made by a lowly individual like me. I should be on top of the world. Validated. Perhaps, revered.

But I don’t feel like I’m on top of the world.

I don’t think of myself as a hero … nor a victim. I don’t regret doing anything I’ve done (especially more recent ones), but I can’t say I’m entirely proud of it. It is, in fact, the most disappointing thing. I’m not ashamed of it. But it’s nothing to brag about…

Sometimes late at night, I toss and turn wondering what I could have done better. Then I’d come to realize that there was no other way around it but this. There was no better time to do it but now. But it’s never the right time to do such a thing.

I couldn’t speak up without feeling the wrath. But I couldn’t shut up for my own moral sanity.

So I find myself in a dilemma. A conundrum. A rut. A never ending lose-lose situation, looping till the end of time. Wanting to go but not allowed to leave. Wanting to stay but can’t bear another day. Hating myself because I love it so much. Optimistic, but wary… Pessimistic, but hopeful…

Is it all just made up words? Is everything a contradiction? Because, at the brink of what appears to be the beginning of the end, I couldn’t help but wonder:

Can something wrong
ever be put

in its rightful place?

New Albums On My Playlist

I'd like to congratulate myself, yes - CONGRATULATE - for transforming these two live concert DVDs into Audio, so I can play it on my iPod. Yes, congratulate!

Please support Beyoncé and Adele's new music DVDs. Beyoncé's Live at Roseland: Elements of 4, and Adele's Live at the Royal Albert Hall.

Sulsul!!!