Oxymorons

Feelingless. Perhaps it’s my invented adjective for not feeling anything. Or maybe it’s my made up word for feeling so much lower than normal. It means so much, but yet, it’s such a contradiction. How can you feel, when you’re not feeling anything at all?
In light of recent circumstances, some have come up to me and have commended me for my act of bravery. Some wish they had done it earlier. Some give encouraging messages. Some have sided with me and joined stand against the ominous oppression we’ve all been under. There’s never been such a widespread support by so many well respected figures by a decision made by a lowly individual like me. I should be on top of the world. Validated. Perhaps, revered.

But I don’t feel like I’m on top of the world.

I don’t think of myself as a hero … nor a victim. I don’t regret doing anything I’ve done (especially more recent ones), but I can’t say I’m entirely proud of it. It is, in fact, the most disappointing thing. I’m not ashamed of it. But it’s nothing to brag about…

Sometimes late at night, I toss and turn wondering what I could have done better. Then I’d come to realize that there was no other way around it but this. There was no better time to do it but now. But it’s never the right time to do such a thing.

I couldn’t speak up without feeling the wrath. But I couldn’t shut up for my own moral sanity.

So I find myself in a dilemma. A conundrum. A rut. A never ending lose-lose situation, looping till the end of time. Wanting to go but not allowed to leave. Wanting to stay but can’t bear another day. Hating myself because I love it so much. Optimistic, but wary… Pessimistic, but hopeful…

Is it all just made up words? Is everything a contradiction? Because, at the brink of what appears to be the beginning of the end, I couldn’t help but wonder:

Can something wrong
ever be put

in its rightful place?